Gaining

I'm in a really weird place at the moment and wanted somebodies opinion.
Every since I was a child I was fascinated by images of people inflating or getting fat. I used to draw pictures when I was little of people with balls for bodies. I spent years not understanding what this was and why I had these feelings. I thought I was the only person in the world who felt this way. That was until I discovered the amazing on-line world of feeders and feedees. It truly is an amazing thing to be a part of. I finally had a place I could delve into my deepest fantasies and be myself. This caused difficulties. I have been so conflicted for so long. Dreaming about having huge, rippling flabby folds. Being entombed in a ever growing fatty cocoon of flab that slowly restricted me more and more. Of being fattened beyond all reason and chance of possible escape. Having a feeder who deliberately, intentionally wanted to engulf me into the depths of obesities warm embrace, too fat even to stand, with that being just the beginning of my weight gain journey. All this was juxtaposed with being 133lbs, with being in a fit healthy family, with doing sports and being very, very fit. I used to be able to do 500 sit ups and 500 press ups without breaking a sweat. I loved being thin and healthy so these strange desires were something I felt like I suffered with. I lived with this for years and kept the 2 completely separate. Then slowly but surely I began to naturally fill out I went to 154lbs and was still very fit. I cycled 20 miles a day to work so there was no chance of putting on any weight. I kept this lifestyle up for years until I was about 25. I then got a new job less than a mile from where I worked that had really irregular hours and was very stressful. My body was used to constant exercise so when that stopped and my meal times went all over the place, it simply couldn't cope. In the first few months of my new job I put on over a stone. Having a slightly jiggly tummy after being so thin was amazing. I loved it and thought it was feeling my clothes filling up around my expanded waist. I got a girlfriend around this time as well so I didn't have any time to shed the flab. It was like a door had been opened for me, a door that into a fantasy land of obesity. A fantasy land that had put about 21 lbs onto my real self. I felt paralysed by the small amount of belly fat I had acquired that seemed to beckon me to let it continue. By Christmas I was up to 192 lbs and was thoroughly addicted to the pleasure of imagining myself being fattened up. I was single by this point but the ball had already started rolling. Over the following years I ate myself up to 232lbs. To have gone from skinny to flabby so fast was a shock to my friends and family, but no one more than me. I loved the feeling of all the weighty softness. I loved my thighs getting sore and rubbing together. My family gave me a really hard time as did alot of my friends but I didn't care. I was in love with over eating and putting on weight. In short, addicted. It's hard to see addiction when you're deep in it. I loved becoming so unfit and slow. I loved meeting friends who I had always seen as the fat ones in the group and clearly being bigger than them. I originally had a goal to reach 224 lbs and had shot past that. I was considering setting a goal for 252 lbs when I changed jobs. Suddenly I was biking again after years of strolling down a hill to work. the fit and healthy me was gone. It was quite scary realising how far I had let my self go, and also arousing. I had to cycle 20 miles a day and slowly but surely the weight started to slip away again. I slimmed down to 175 lbs and really enjoyed being fitter but really hated it at the same time. I gained a bit of perspective on my addiction and realised I had to attain a balance between normal life, rather than let the fetish run riot with my waistline and ignore everything else. Then I learnt to drive and here we are today. Since starting driving a month ago I've gone up to 182 lbs. Not much but I can feel the old feelings playing their old tunes on me again. Whenever I brush my tummy or feel it I get aroused and want to stuff myself and fantasise about being fed by a female feeder. I could easily let it happen again. It scares me. It holds so much power over me and I know if I actually had a feeder I'd be at her complete mercy and would reluctantly revel in letting myself slip into oblivion. It would be the end of my life in relation to all the things a fit person can do and the beginning of my journey into morbid obesity. I know I wouldn't be able to stop, I'd just keep going and the bigger I got, the more I'd want it. I'm honestly talking about immobility. Once it took over me there'd be no going back. The power of this truly scares me and excites me all at once. I'm at a funny kind of cross roads and wouldn't mind some advice. Do I get complete control of this fetish and keep it solely fantasy based, or do I try and find a lovely feeder girl and eat myself to gigantic proportions at her behest. I really don't know what to do and thought a good vent was in order. I'd love to hear your opinion on the subject in great detail!

Thanks for the kind words. I do have plenty of hobbies and never struggle for friends to hang out with, quite the opposite. That's why I'm having so much difficulty trying to slot this into my life. It just simply doesn't fit, but is awesome and fun.

Your account is fascinating. Two things jumped out at me: firstly, that you are truly conflicted about this. I wouldn't expect that to go away. There may come times in your life where the side of you that wants to be hugely fat takes precedence over the side of you that enjoys being fit and healthy and dislikes being addicted to a fetish; and there may be times when it goes the other way.

I don't know if it helps at all but maybe try accepting that this conflict will always exist. Of course being deliberately immobile is, in many ways, a stupid and reckless idea. On the other hand, you've been drawn to this fetish for long enough to know that it will probably always be a part of who you are and what you want.

For myself, I find the conflict sexy. One side of me revels in being fat, as I find the shape and softness erotic and beautiful. The other side of me finds it faintly despicable and almost a character weakness to have become overweight. But it's somewhere on this knife-point that the fun of the fetish lies for me.

Similarly I love watching other people's conflict about putting on weight, especially when they become self-conscious about it or try to diet and work out to lose it (for some reason I enjoy that more when it's a man hahaha, perhaps because I know men usually can lose weight more easily and quickly than women so it's less likely to really cause them real unhappiness!) The conflict in them and the struggle they have with their body and their conscience is exciting and interesting to me. Maybe I'm just a tiny bit sadistic?

The second thing I noticed when I read your post was that you express your situation and how you feel about it very well. Your writing is engaging. What about finding an outlet for some of your desires by writing about it? There are plenty of places where you can post stories or pieces online (whether real or imaginary), or start a blog or a tumblr about it. Alternatively you might try role-playing either online or in real life. You can fantasise with a partner about getting fatter without actually doing it. Or half-indulge the fetish - get them to tie you up and feed you doughnuts or something . Finding the right person is tricky though...

I think there's a middle line between letting your fetish take control of you, or alternatively, denying it completely. Have fun and try not to stress out about it.

Late to the party... just wondering how this turned out.

It's not even a decision you need to make until you find this hypothetical awesome feeder who wants to make you enormous.

If you do find her--and the odds are probably not great--then it's her job to convince you to become enormous. If she can't, it's not meant to be.